Bits They left Out Of The Bible. The Gospel Of Gerald Volume 3

Later that day word came through that Zacchaeus had found the frisbee so Jesus rushed back to where the party had been the previous day.
"It's too high up."said Zacchaeus, a tremor in his voice clearly audible as he spoke."I really can't reach it."
"Bummer."replied Jesus, "Peter is so upset with me I really need to get it back for him."
"Can't you just levitate? You are the son of God."
"Dunno!"Said Jesus."I can do all kinds of cool shit so why not?"

"Help!" Cried  Jesus. "I'm scared of heights!"
"Stay up there a minute." replied Zacchaeus, "I know just what to do!"

Bits They Left Out Of The Bible. The Gospel Of Gerald Volume 2

Jesus was such such a pain to take fishing but after losing the frisbee he promised Peter that if he would take him, he'd help him find some fish.
"Throw your net over this side" Jesus said and sure enough Peter's net was full.
"Fat lot of good this is going to do me!" thought Peter belligerently, "Yesterday he fed 5,000 people with five fish. If this dude keeps making fish out of thin air the price of fish will plummet and these will be worth nothing. I bet he'll open his own fish and chip shop and put us out of business!"
Jesus was on his feet by this time and was bragging about the size of the fish he'd caught last time which Peter hated. 
"It was this big!" said Jesus.
"OH yeah," thought Peter. They had a net full of fish and Jesus wasn't even helping and anyway, Peter was sick of the sight of his weird glowing head.
"Take a walk big guy." He yelled in attempt to shut him up. Strangely, Jesus did, giving an 'up yours' two fingered salute as he left."Follow me and ye will be fishers of men."
"Who want's to eat men?" thought Peter defiantly."If I follow you I'll need a life guard and CPR!"

Bits They Left Out Of The Bible- Jesus Tries To Invent The Birthday Cake

And suddenly, with a mighty roar, the heavens were rent asunder and the good Saint John did but tremble beneath the firmament. The Lord Jesus appeared resplendent, to shew unto his servant things which must shortly come to pass.
And verily doth he say,"Blessed be he that eateth of this birthday cake, (please write this down. This is really cool. Just because I'm dead it doesn't mean I can't say cool stuff.) For the time is at hand when all men shall have their cake and eat it too. For verily doth I say, 'may all men get a cake with candles to celebrate the day of their birth from this day forth!'"
Sadly, John was struck agast and wrote some other rubbish, leaving mankind to suffer the nonsense of his scribbling for two thousand years...

Bits They Left Out Of The Bible. The Gospel Of Gerald Volume 1

We had a great party thanks to our mate Jesus. We only had seven little loaves and a few fishes but he managed to feed all 5,000 of us. His best trick though, was when he turned water into wine and we all got so totally plastered that nobody cared when he lost the frisbee. At least we thought so.

Jesus went to look again when Peter said, "He fed 5,000 with six fishes and a few loaves. Why couldn't he have made 5,000 frisbees before loosing our only one?'
"I agree!" said Judas with a sly grin. "He has already betrayed us!"
To be continued....

A Reason For Everything

"How does he do it?" exclaimed Herod Antipas
"Witchcraft!" added  Pontius Pilate,
"The dark arts!" Added  Caiaphas.
"Relax guys!" Replied Jesus quite willing to convert the entire  world, "It's no secret. I don't wash my whites with my colors!"
"Ah ha! Magic then, and discriminatory magic at that!" yelled Herod triumphant, "It's crucifixion  for you then my lad!"
And that, boys and girls, is why the colored people had to sit at the back of the bus.

More Everyday Sayings That Originated In The Bible

"It's Murphy's law," said Jesus to the blind man as he felt something crunch under foot, "You drop a contact lens and some sod always steps on it. Looks like it's going to be a long time no see for you my man!" 

Spreading the Word. The Sermon On Personal Hygiene

"And verily doth I say - never wash your whites with your colors and ye will be a beacon among men! " said Jesus to his flock with an air of revelation."And use a deodorant...and brush your teeth."

What Really Happened on the Road to Damascus.

"Pull my finger!" said Jesus from his cloud on high. With trepidation Saul rode forward and pulled only to be nearly knocked from his mount as Jesus farted out an entire new religion. Saul was so embarrassed he changed his name to Paul and stopped hanging out with his Pharisee mates. To this very day, when some one says "pull my finger" people run for cover.

Bits They Left out of The Bible

"Never wash your whites with your colors! " said Jesus to his flock with an air of revelation.

Jesus Spends Some Quality Time With His Dad

"Hey Dad," said Jesus,"Do you think I should put these farting noises in the sermon on the mount?" 

Harsh Punishment For Those Who Refuse To Follow greg-scott.blogspot.com

"Father! We must kill him! He and the skinny guy read this and refused to become followers! They won't even leave comments or share my posts on twitter and facebook" 

Jesus Public Relations Fail

The first time Jesus rode into Jerusalem no one turned up. Even the apostles were too embarrassed so an emergency meeting was called.                                                                                    
‎"Where were you guys?"said Jesus angrily. "And where were the dudes with the palm fronds?"
 "Just take a look at yourself." Retorted Peter, "Where on Earth did you get that outfit? Babylon?"
    The following sunday, Jesus went back to his everyday, one-size-fits-all, sack cloth grunge wear and Palm Sunday was born. Jesus was, however, ahead of his time, preceding twentieth century super heros by nearly two thousand years! 

Matthew Said it Was A Donkey

Jesus was the big guys son. He could ride into town on whatever he liked.