Greg Scott's Compendium of the Weird and Wonderful: 2011-09-11

Saturday, 17 September 2011

Making Money On Our Holiday!

This year, on our annual road trip, we came upon a bike-a-thon we really couldn't resist. We sold the bikes on E bay and it more than payed for our trip. It really was an excellent fundraiser!

Questions

Sometimes I like to ask a lot of questions. A few days ago I ran into an old friend.

“I can’t stand my sister!” She said, “She’s a horrible, horrible person!”

“Why?” I said.

“She says really nasty things!”

“What happens then?”

“Well, I feel really terrible and I just want to run away.”

“So, when you’re with your sister she says terrible things, you feel terrible, and you want to run away?”

“Yes.”

“Is there any other time you have those feelings?’

“When I go for job interviews, I hate them!’

“The same feelings?”

“Yes.”

“ So it’s the feelings that are the problem. Not your sister and what she says.”

“ Well…. Yeah”.

“If you didn’t have those feelings she could say what she likes and you’d be fine.”

“YES.”

“So, your sister is an opportunity for you to deal with them then.”

She thought this was a bit of a revelation but I thought it was no big deal. Most of us carry conditioned responses from childhood that can leave us living our lives within an invisible cage if we avoid them by blaming others. Other people are merely the triggers, especially if they're people from the past who were a tad judgemental. Feeling judged and criticized can send us tumbling out of control into the feelings of helplessness and being undervalued that were common for many of us as kids.

I believe the way to deal with this is to own the feelings and not blame others. Notice them as they arise and eventually they pass. The cause isn’t now but in the past. Blaming others, or big business, or climate change or anything you read in the paper isn’t going to help much.

Paris Hilton

I posted this because it's totally weird and it's about Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton is famous so I'm hoping anybody doing a google search on her may end up here and become a follower of mine instead.

Friday, 16 September 2011

Sex Education for Girls in the Early 60's

Very weird

Life Before X Box

Sperm Whales

Dave Alexander's caption

My caption
If I'm Infringing your intellectual property rights let me know and I'll take them down.

More Olden days

Dave Alexander's caption

This one's mine

Some more of my captions. Let me know if I've got the author wrong.

Thursday, 15 September 2011

Choose Your Hat

I can remember a time when, if you walked down the street talking to yourself, you were considered "touched" or "slightly strange". Now though, with mobile phones, people do it all the time and no one gives a shit.

Isn't this unfair to all the mad people? How are they going to define themselves now? By not washing and dribbling? You mobile users should be more considerate! I don't want to have to put up with a lot of smelly, dribbling mad people just because of you!

Just like black skin is a black person's gig, talking loudly in the street to people that no one else can see, is a mad person's gig. You wouldn't put boot polish on your face and walk down the street would you? Black people would think you were taking the piss. You'd be in real trouble and you'd deserve it you uncaring piece of poop! They should make you all work as human statues so you won't be able to even answer the phone let alone talk to people who aren't there. Then, I hope, mean people would come and tweak your nuts and hurl insults at you, and real mad people would come and pee on you, and you'd have to wear silver or bronze boot polish all over because statues aren't ever black.

Sorry, but I had to get that off my chest. I always thought you were quite nice and never suspected you would put boot polish on your face just to tease black people. There are racists everywhere I suppose and I just have to live with it.

If nice people can be racist perhaps the world is more complicated than many of us think? Perhaps we all wear many hats? Beatrice wore a silly hat to the Royal wedding but she's not silly at all. She got much more attention than the boring old wedding and she sold it for $123,390 which she gave to poor kids. Even the Wiggles tried to get it for Dorothy the Dinosaur but they only had $17,000 and that wasn't enough. I'm pretty sure I could make them one for less than that.

Are you mad at me for calling you a racist? Are your feather's ruffled? Are you screaming, "I'm not racist! He is!" while pointing at some other bloke. I put the bit in about Beatrice's hat to give you a chance to cool down. If you don't have a racist hat that you wear sometimes I'm sorry, but I'm guessing that you have such a hat but your totally ashamed of it and don't want anyone to know about it.

I have a racist hat but I choose not to wear it

When I said hats I didn't mean real hats, I meant hats as aspects of ones personality. Hats are an allegory and I think there are as many hats as there are people on the planet. If you own all the hats you can choose which one to wear but most people don't. The hat they wear has been put there by their environment and their upbringing and they don't even know they're wearing it. They just think they're normal and everyone else is weird. They didn't choose the hat; life chose it for them, so how can you be mad at them?

Be mad at me if you like. I chose to call you racist. I did it to let you feel what it’s like to be blamed when you had no choice. Intolerance of intolerance doesn’t change anything because to change something you have to accept it in yourself first. When you do that you might feel compassion, not outrage. A person accepted warts and all, is more likely to change hats than a person excluded.

Certain behaviors though are unacceptable but don’t be too quick to draw the line. If nobody’s about to suffer just treat them like they’ve got a nice guy hat on and see what happens.

The Olden Days

These were made up by 2 of my facebook friends. If you're reading this please claim them by leaving your name in comments below.

Turn Water Into Wine

http://www.everystockphoto.com/photographer.php?photographer_id=626

The next time you throw a party be sure to invite this little fellow. He's a Jesus Christ Lizard and is quite happy walking on water. I'm thinking if he can do that he can probably turn water into wine which would save a little money. Here we see him at a children's party where he's turned the water into chocolate milk.

Myra's Underwear Goes Missing

Two Heads Are Better Than One

Mavis was great in the sack!

Goat Accused Of Armed Robbery

This clipping was sent to me by a friend regarding an incident that happened in 2009 but I'm afraid it raises more questions than it answers. Why would a man who can turn into a goat need to steal a car in the first place? Surely the amount of money to be made from performing this trick would be way in excess of that required to buy a Mazda 323. As far as I know they stopped making these in 1994. If I could do this I'd steal a Ferrari or something flash.
How do they know the man turned into a goat? The other way round makes more sense as an animal changing from one form to another is more likely to want to trade up the evolutionary tree rather than down. Becoming a man is a great thing it's just a shame it turned into such a poorly behaved one, but then, how could a man who was a goat most of his life, be expected to know how to behave? So the poor goat finally works out how to turn into a man only to unknowingly commit crime such that he has to turn back quick smart to evade the long arm of the law? Perhaps we need to teach all goats basic social skills just in case.
None the less, if this was a man who turned into a goat as the article suggests, then a goat was a really poor choice. Surely a lion would be better, or an eagle, or something really cool like a velociraptor, or a pterodactyl! Fly away and be done with it, but a goat is bullshit. Sorry mate. Not only did you fail to steal the car you turned into something way too ordinary. Back to wizard school for you!

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Dress To Get Out Of Jury Duty

Brian and Mavis devise a cunning scheme for avoiding jury duty.
They're sent home for being "just too weird."

Police Log

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

IMG_0003 | photo page - everystockphoto

Thomas Edison

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work" Thomas Edison

People That Change Colour

http://www.everystockphoto.com/

I was watching QI last night and apparently Siamese cats change colour if you put them in the fridge. This is cruel so please don’t try this. You start out with a light coloured cat with black extremities and you end up with an all black cat. They had pictures and said that this is its natural response to cold, which it shares with Himalayan rabbits. The extremities are already black because they are its coldest bits. It turns back after a while as it warms up.

I saw this and thought wouldn’t it be cool if they could find the gene for this and insert it into humans. We could be white with black ears, and hands, and faces, and willies, in the summer and all black in the winter. I wonder though, would this end racism or would this just piss off black people because they’d think we’re stealing their gig, or “taking the piss”?

This is an interesting point so please, if you’re black and reading this please leave a comment. Would you be OK with it if we found a gene for you so you could be white in the winter? That might mean you had white ears, and hands, and feet, and faces, and willies in the summer which would be quite funky don’t you think? I’m pretty sure when the white people turned black they still wouldn’t be able to dance, or jump, or talk that strange street language you guys have, so I wouldn’t worry about that.

Also, if you're worried that you might be sucked in by a person masquerading as another race, all you would need is a hairdryer to find the truth of the matter.

I wonder if you warm up a siamese cat's tail with a hairdryer, does it turn white?