Unsafe Sex In The Olden Days

"You didn't wear a condom." 

Happy Families In The Olden Days

Unfortunately, Gerald had taught the kids to help out when Dorothy had PMS.  

Bits They Left Out Of The Bible- Jesus Tries To Invent The Birthday Cake

And suddenly, with a mighty roar, the heavens were rent asunder and the good Saint John did but tremble beneath the firmament. The Lord Jesus appeared resplendent, to shew unto his servant things which must shortly come to pass.
And verily doth he say,"Blessed be he that eateth of this birthday cake, (please write this down. This is really cool. Just because I'm dead it doesn't mean I can't say cool stuff.) For the time is at hand when all men shall have their cake and eat it too. For verily doth I say, 'may all men get a cake with candles to celebrate the day of their birth from this day forth!'"
Sadly, John was struck agast and wrote some other rubbish, leaving mankind to suffer the nonsense of his scribbling for two thousand years...

Bits They Left Out Of The Bible. The Gospel Of Gerald Volume 1

We had a great party thanks to our mate Jesus. We only had seven little loaves and a few fishes but he managed to feed all 5,000 of us. His best trick though, was when he turned water into wine and we all got so totally plastered that nobody cared when he lost the frisbee. At least we thought so.

Jesus went to look again when Peter said, "He fed 5,000 with six fishes and a few loaves. Why couldn't he have made 5,000 frisbees before loosing our only one?'
"I agree!" said Judas with a sly grin. "He has already betrayed us!"
To be continued....

A Reason For Everything

"How does he do it?" exclaimed Herod Antipas
"Witchcraft!" added  Pontius Pilate,
"The dark arts!" Added  Caiaphas.
"Relax guys!" Replied Jesus quite willing to convert the entire  world, "It's no secret. I don't wash my whites with my colors!"
"Ah ha! Magic then, and discriminatory magic at that!" yelled Herod triumphant, "It's crucifixion  for you then my lad!"
And that, boys and girls, is why the colored people had to sit at the back of the bus.

More Everyday Sayings That Originated In The Bible

"It's Murphy's law," said Jesus to the blind man as he felt something crunch under foot, "You drop a contact lens and some sod always steps on it. Looks like it's going to be a long time no see for you my man!" 

Restaurant Fail In The Olden Days

"I'm sorry," said Maria, "I didn't order this. I ordered the Boeuf Bourguignon, slow cooked in red wine and broth, and served with sauteed mushrooms and perl onions."