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"I know I look nothing like my profile shot but I'm sure that if I'd told you that I'm a cat that looks like a duck we would never have met"

Bits They left Out Of The Bible. The Gospel Of Gerald Volume 3

Later that day word came through that Zacchaeus had found the frisbee so Jesus rushed back to where the party had been the previous day.
"It's too high up."said Zacchaeus, a tremor in his voice clearly audible as he spoke."I really can't reach it."
"Bummer."replied Jesus, "Peter is so upset with me I really need to get it back for him."
"Can't you just levitate? You are the son of God."
"Dunno!"Said Jesus."I can do all kinds of cool shit so why not?"

"Help!" Cried  Jesus. "I'm scared of heights!"
"Stay up there a minute." replied Zacchaeus, "I know just what to do!"

Bits They Left Out Of The Bible. The Gospel Of Gerald Volume 2

Jesus was such such a pain to take fishing but after losing the frisbee he promised Peter that if he would take him, he'd help him find some fish.
"Throw your net over this side" Jesus said and sure enough Peter's net was full.
"Fat lot of good this is going to do me!" thought Peter belligerently, "Yesterday he fed 5,000 people with five fish. If this dude keeps making fish out of thin air the price of fish will plummet and these will be worth nothing. I bet he'll open his own fish and chip shop and put us out of business!"
Jesus was on his feet by this time and was bragging about the size of the fish he'd caught last time which Peter hated. 
"It was this big!" said Jesus.
"OH yeah," thought Peter. They had a net full of fish and Jesus wasn't even helping and anyway, Peter was sick of the sight of his weird glowing head.
"Take a walk big guy." He yelled in attempt to shut him up. Strangely, Jesus did, giving an 'up yours' two fingered salute as he left."Follow me and ye will be fishers of men."
"Who want's to eat men?" thought Peter defiantly."If I follow you I'll need a life guard and CPR!"