Everyday Sayings That Originated In The Bible

"What's the matter Daniel?" said almighty God, "Cat got your tongue?" 

Creation Fail. First Try For The Big Guy

"Heavenly Father......This is wonderful....really it is..... and its good for a first try...... but..... we need it to be much bigger...."

Cupid Spits The Dummy

For cupid it was one of those light bulb moments. He was a teenager now and he'd had enough.  Stalking young couples in flagrante delicto and firing his arrows into their upturned bare arses was giving him a permanent and painful erection that was so bad he'd complained to the big guy himself who gave him a crappy old blue towel to drape over it for modesties sake, and a flippant "get over it" to fob him off. Moreover, when he finally found a hot young maiden and shot an arrow into her arse for himself, instead of falling in love with him, she'd taken one look at his protruding tumescence, and run shrieking to the local constabulary. He now had a restraining order against him and was subpoenaed to appear in court to answer to 'malicious wounding'. No! If God wanted love he could do the hard work himself! The light bulb in his mind exploded with magnificent retort, he snapped his bow a twain, and dropped his arrows into a convenient dumpster.

Jesus Spends Some Quality Time With His Dad

"Hey Dad," said Jesus,"Do you think I should put these farting noises in the sermon on the mount?" 

Don't Upset The Big Guy.

"Well children," said nanny with a smile, "When it's raining it means that you've upset God and made him cry. When it's windy, it means you've been so bad he's sent a huge scary bird and it's sitting on the Empire State Building flapping it's wings, and it's going to blow us away, and we're all going to die terrible deaths!"                                  
"Is that all!" Said young Jerry, brave as can be. 
Suddenly, a giant, white, oldsmobile-sized, liquid bird turd, landed on Jerry's head. 


(Last sentence added by Aluminum Foil Hat)