Being Oversized Sucks

"Can you take me up to the pharmacy level?" said Robert shyly, "Those extra large condoms they sold me didn't fit."
"I'm sorry to hear that sir." Said the lift operator, "You need to get them tailor made then. I'll take you to the tailor on level six."

Selling Automobiles In The Olden Days By John Dudelsackpfeifer Varney

Automobiles became so popular that they set up vending machines on every corner. 

Our Shop Caters For Everyone!

Since we installed larger doors the local elephants have become some of our most regular customers. 

One of the elephants wouldn't pay so.... 

.....we threw him out of a train. 

We had to use a train because he wouldn't fit in the car.... 

....or the bus. BUT....

....We didn't know he was a friend of Batman's. 

We thought Batman would be really mad but he wasn't. He said the elephant should pay like everyone else. Throwing him out of a train was a bit much though. We should have called the police. Batman liked our coffee and became our best ever customer!

Wilbur Drops A Christmas Gift Hint

Wilbur was jealous of his brother George..... 

George's dinosaur was a total chick magnet. 

John Haddock's Limerick

 A mole near Virginia's snatch,
became bigger, the more she would scratch.
It swelled and grew teeth
with large paws underneath
now she eats everyone she can catch.

Poverty In The Olden Days

"When I was a girl," said Grandma, "we couldn't afford furniture." 

Harsh Punishment For Those Who Refuse To Follow greg-scott.blogspot.com

"Father! We must kill him! He and the skinny guy read this and refused to become followers! They won't even leave comments or share my posts on twitter and facebook" 

Professional Bum Now Out Of Work

The A1300 proctologist's plastic fantastic practice bum with dish washer proof rectum  comes with an iphone  app which gives a print out of penetration excellence and is available in 9 colors and three different genders.

Today I met a chap who'd worked for the last fifteen years as a professional bum at the Sydney University School Of Proctology and is now out of work. He bent over, and was penetrated by, an entire generation of proctologists and urologists and now it has come to naught. His job is no more because of the unrelenting march of technology (pictured). 
"They each have their own." he wept. "They can take them home,  they don't have to worry about sick pay and, I'm told, it makes quite an attractive vase."
I attempted to console him without much success.
"I was always clean but plastic practice bums you have to wear gloves with, who knows why? " more sobbing, "I did fart occasionally though.....Do you think I farted too often?"
I said I didn't think so and suggested he could work as a living vase. It would be a real talking point at parties.

Famous Irish Nude Photography From The Olden Days

On hearing that nude photography was all the rage on the continent, Seamus Finnigan decided to devote his life to this august profession in 1890's Dublin . He developed his own unique style, taking literally thousands of photo's over the next twenty five years. During his entire career he never wore a stitch until he finally succumbed to pneumonia in 1923 while doing a stint as the chief photographer on a British polar expedition.

My Fame Spreads....

"I'm telling you. Go to greg-scott.blogspot.com and become a follower. Greg's a great guy and his site's hilarious.  He won't care that you're the Tsar of Russia. You'll laugh so much you won't feel like doing all that tyrannical shit any more. The internet's the way of the future. Just go for it dude!"

Returning Home after A Long Absence Brings Back Painful Memories.

"I'm not looking forward to going back there. My ex is still there and she told everyone I gave her herpes..... oh crap! Did  I tell you about that? When we get there you should get yourself checked. Sorry if I forgot to mention it."

DIY Leads To Relationship Tension In The Olden Days.

"Harold! How many years have we been renovating now? SEVEN! That's how many. I'm sick of these bloody cherubs. There's a company here in the yellow pages that makes cherub screens for $49.95. That's NOTHING! I'll ring them if you like. It's just as well you're good in bed. If you'd been firing blanks like Jeremy I would have left you long ago!" 

Unwanted Christmas Gifts

Don't you just hate unwanted gifts at christmas time?  One year my Mother sent me roofing thatch that she got on sale. What on Earth did she send me that for? I live in a tiny terrace house in the middle of Sydney. I've never even seen a thatched roof. No wonder she got it cheap.