Welcome Earthlings and Others

Welcome to my blog. The text on this blog is original so please don't borrow it without asking me or adding an acknowledgement as to the source. Please, please, please, click the share buttons on anything as often as you like. Please, please, please leave a comment or become a follower. If you can think of an alternative caption leave it as a comment and, if I like it enough, I'll post it with a backlink to your blog. Enjoy.


Friday, 30 December 2011

A Snippet Of History From Me And My Friend Grant Hayes


Until relatively recent times, it was still widely believed in parts of central Europe that trepanning could cure lycanthropy. In this remarkable photograph, celebrated trepanner "Doctor" Laszlo Sczitz applies his awl to the head of the so-called Szendrő Dog-man, whose subsequent return to full humanity resulted in the loss of his livelihood as a sideshow attraction. Named Laszlo after his benefactor, the erstwhile Dog-man was reduced to vagrancy and alcoholism.


Desperate to return to his former glory as a famous public curiosity Lazlo was to undergo the first ever attempt to reassign gender in a rather clumsy operation again performed by Dr Sczitz. He made many appearances as a bearded Lady throughout Europe but was unable to rise to his former glory and was said to mutter in despair that he had been effectively "depinnacled".  Strangely, his "former glory" remained with him at all times in the form of his severed penis, lovingly preserved in a jar of formalin and, even stranger, permanently erect. With time he began to realize it was this gruesome artifact that was drawing the crowds and not him at all and, as he refused to be parted from it for even a moment, he fell increasingly into despondency at being thusly upstaged.  Things came to a head when his Lesbian Lover, Countess Erzsebet Bathory, discovered the monstrosity beneath the pillow during their lovemaking and threw him
bodily from the window of her Dacha into a conveniently placed snow drift. 
He disappeared around 1956; rumour has it 

 he threw himself under a Soviet tank during the Hungarian  uprising though his famous penis has never been found.... 


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Monday, 26 December 2011

Grant Hayes' Effort


The famously diminutive Signore Cornetto with his culinary invention, the "Cornetto". Shortly after this photograph was taken, Cornetto was found dead in Naploli, oozing onto a hot footpath. It was rumoured that he had been murdered on the orders of his business rival Ippolito Gelato, though it was never proven. It is said that Gelato bought the silence of the carabinieri with his peerless lemon sorbet. 

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Old Time Hero of the chattering Classes


Cone-man, the librarian. 

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Friday, 23 December 2011

Indignant Tree Post


"Excuse me madam." Said Arthur, pretending to be a talking tree and freaking Phyllis out," A short, bald man just peed there, and, I'm sorry to inform you, you're standing in it. Yes, men pee on us! It's just another indignity us poor trees must suffer. I'm sure they only do it because we're immobile and they take pleasure in reminding us."                                                                        
"Men can be such beasts sometimes."said Phyllis' slightly worried that she must now educate Arthur in the finer points of communing with nature and wondering if he will think less of her when she is forced to reveal that trees can talk. 

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Monday, 19 December 2011

Tales Of The Wild Wild West.


In the year eighteen fifty three a massive influx of clerical workers from Europe lead to a shortage of pencils and spawned the worlds first great pencil rush. Pencil fever swept the Wild West and men abandoned their gold mines and ranches to cash in.  The price of pencils soared to over twenty five cents a pound and agents from the East were willing to pay up front leading to cunning pencil men  ( known colloquially as "pencil Dicks") slyly producing heavier and heavier pencils. 


Things came to a head in eighteen fifty four when Gadfly& Guttersnipe, the largest stationer in New York City, Paid $35,000,000 for four hundred thousand tons of pencils and received a single four hundred thousand ton pencil made from a large sequoia.

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Modern Work Practices Originate During The American Civil War


That evening life in the camp was a joy to behold. Men who had previously been bitter enemies laughed and and relaxed  together like the closest of friends. All in all, it was collectively agreed, casual friday was a resounding success!

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Friday, 16 December 2011

Revenge Is A Little Too Sweat.


Lucinda was very upset at Eric's continued infidelities though tonight the  feelings of excitement and  shear joy at his imminent return were a little hard to contain.

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Olden Day Barriers To Entry In A Male Dominated Workforce

As the brass section was traditionally men only, Marjory and Ethyl's audition required they submit to a small degree of humiliation.

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Thursday, 15 December 2011

Turning Points In History


Few people alive today are aware of the heroic efforts of a farmer from Middlesex named Bert Hutchinson which proved to be the turning point of the Second World War. One day, Bert was wondering what he could do to help with the war effort when he decided to steal Hitler's pig. 


When news got out Mussolini thought it hilarious which made Hitler really angry. He was so mad he invaded Russia  and lost the war.

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North Africa 1944


One thing the boys looked forward to was "camel toe" inspection. 

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Our Commander Makes The New Girls Feel Welcome


"At ease Ladies," Said Commander Hamilton with a degree of panache," You're all welcome to come round to my quarters after dinner for a tipple....... If you've got nothing on that is... "

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Dinosaur Porn. A senior School Film Project.


"Of course you have to be naked, it's dinosaur porn! It's a whole new genre I've created. Think Debbie Does Dallas meets Jurassic Park. In fact it's called 'Dinosaurs Do Debbie.'"

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Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Exclusive To Greg Scott's Compendium. Lieutenant Hancock's Amazing Masturbation Cure


Lieutanant Hancock's controversial masturbation cure in action. Here he manages to not masturbate for a full twenty minutes!

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Famous Irish Nude Photography From The Olden Days


On hearing that nude photography was all the rage on the continent, Seamus Finnigan decided to devote his life to this august profession in 1890's Dublin . He developed his own unique style, taking literally thousands of photo's over the next twenty five years. During his entire career he never wore a stitch until he finally succumbed to pneumonia in 1923 while doing a stint as the chief photographer on a British polar expedition. 


His great great great grandson, also called 
Seamus Finnigan, continues the family tradition in Dublin to this very day.
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Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Care Instructions For Your Genuine African Elephant.


Thank you for purchasing you genuine African elephant. Your  elephant is a delightful creature and a wonderful companion for even the most boisterous of families! Not only will your elephant provide a year round supply of nutritious manure that roses love, but it is in possession of a memory that puts us poor humans to shame. Never forget your wife's  birthday or family anniversaries again and all for tiny cost of several tons per week of garden clippings that were headed for land fill anyway! In terms of care instructions there are two things you must always remember.

1/  Always keep your genuine African elephant in the living room where no one will ever see it. 
 

2/  Your genuine African elephant is meant to be wrinkly. Do not, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES iron your elephant. The elephant pictured escaped through a faulty living room door seal. How were the men who found him meant to know he was some poor families' beloved pet? Sadly, they cut him up to make 998 pairs of moccasins, put on fake war paint to impersonate native americans, and sold them to unsuspecting tourists on the local reservation. Elephant moccasins are now all the rage and the very survival of the species is threatened, all because of a few wrinkles!


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Monday, 12 December 2011

Saving Up For What's Really Important


For Ethyl, owning a new bicycle was far more important than buying clothes. 

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Just Hanging Out


Gerald always answered his cell phone unless otherwise indisposed. 

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Father Discovers The "Fountain Of Youth"


The bombers were overhead and we really didn't know whether we would survive this time. Mum and us kids were verging on hysterical.
"What can we do Father! We don't want to die!" we yelled in despair."HELP!"
"Well," said Dad, cool as a cucumber, "Where's my bucket list?" he scrabbled around and found a notebook under the bed, "It says here I've always wanted to learn the hula hoop. Who'll have a go with me?"
We were, of course, delighted so we grabbed our hoops and rushed off to the park.

 To this day hula hooping is a massive adrenalin rush for us all and a must for family gatherings. Father is 96 and has just published a book citing extreme hula hooping as the much sort after "fountain of youth."

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Sunday, 11 December 2011

Adult Sexual Literacy Being Taught To The Wehrmacht


‎"You see Heinrich," Said Gustave,"I told you that's how it's done. Pants off now! Your turn next!

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Chuck Buy's A Horse.


" I know he looks dead." Said the used horse salesman."But a reckons he's into fakin' it sum. Yo'all jus' take him to that tha' hill yonder where there's grass. When he gets hungered he'll put to eatin'. Ever' thang 'll be just dandy, you'll see. Yes sir ee! That tha' horse is as mighty fine a specimen as ever I did see!"

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Grandma's Accident


"GRANDMA! HAVE YOU GOT YOUR INCONTINENCE PANTS ON?" 

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Saturday, 10 December 2011

Being Oversized Sucks


"Can you take me up to the pharmacy level?" said Robert shyly, "Those extra large condoms they sold me didn't fit."
"I'm sorry to hear that sir." Said the lift operator, "You need to get them tailor made then. I'll take you to the tailor on level six."

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Selling Automobiles In The Olden Days By John Dudelsackpfeifer Varney


Automobiles became so popular that they set up vending machines on every corner. 

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Our Shop Caters For Everyone!


Since we installed larger doors the local elephants have become some of our most regular customers. 


One of the elephants wouldn't pay so.... 


.....we threw him out of a train. 


We had to use a train because he wouldn't fit in the car.... 


....or the bus. BUT....


....We didn't know he was a friend of Batman's. 


We thought Batman would be really mad but he wasn't. He said the elephant should pay like everyone else. Throwing him out of a train was a bit much though. We should have called the police. Batman liked our coffee and became our best ever customer!

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Friday, 9 December 2011

Wilbur Drops A Christmas Gift Hint


Wilbur was jealous of his brother George..... 

George's dinosaur was a total chick magnet. 

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Wednesday, 7 December 2011

John Haddock's Limerick


 A mole near Virginia's snatch,
became bigger, the more she would scratch.
It swelled and grew teeth
with large paws underneath
now she eats everyone she can catch.





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Poverty In The Olden Days


"When I was a girl," said Grandma, "we couldn't afford furniture." 

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Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Harsh Punishment For Those Who Refuse To Follow greg-scott.blogspot.com


"Father! We must kill him! He and the skinny guy read this and refused to become followers! They won't even leave comments or share my posts on twitter and facebook" 

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Professional Bum Now Out Of Work


The A1300 proctologist's plastic fantastic practice bum with dish washer proof rectum  comes with an iphone  app which gives a print out of penetration excellence and is available in 9 colors and three different genders.
Today I met a chap who'd worked for the last fifteen years as a professional bum at the Sydney University School Of Proctology and is now out of work. He bent over, and was penetrated by, an entire generation of proctologists and urologists and now it has come to naught. His job is no more because of the unrelenting march of technology (pictured). 
"They each have their own." he wept. "They can take them home,  they don't have to worry about sick pay and, I'm told, it makes quite an attractive vase."
I attempted to console him without much success.
"I was always clean but plastic practice bums you have to wear gloves with, who knows why? " more sobbing, "I did fart occasionally though.....Do you think I farted too often?"
I said I didn't think so and suggested he could work as a living vase. It would be a real talking point at parties.

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Monday, 5 December 2011

Famous Irish Nude Photography From The Olden Days


On hearing that nude photography was all the rage on the continent, Seamus Finnigan decided to devote his life to this august profession in 1890's Dublin . He developed his own unique style, taking literally thousands of photo's over the next twenty five years. During his entire career he never wore a stitch until he finally succumbed to pneumonia in 1923 while doing a stint as the chief photographer on a British polar expedition.
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Sunday, 4 December 2011

My Fame Spreads....


"I'm telling you. Go to greg-scott.blogspot.com and become a follower. Greg's a great guy and his site's hilarious.  He won't care that you're the Tsar of Russia. You'll laugh so much you won't feel like doing all that tyrannical shit any more. The internet's the way of the future. Just go for it dude!"

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Returning Home after A Long Absence Brings Back Painful Memories.


"I'm not looking forward to going back there. My ex is still there and she told everyone I gave her herpes..... oh crap! Did  I tell you about that? When we get there you should get yourself checked. Sorry if I forgot to mention it."

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DIY Leads To Relationship Tension In The Olden Days.


"Harold! How many years have we been renovating now? SEVEN! That's how many. I'm sick of these bloody cherubs. There's a company here in the yellow pages that makes cherub screens for $49.95. That's NOTHING! I'll ring them if you like. It's just as well you're good in bed. If you'd been firing blanks like Jeremy I would have left you long ago!" 

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Unwanted Christmas Gifts


Don't you just hate unwanted gifts at christmas time?  One year my Mother sent me roofing thatch that she got on sale. What on Earth did she send me that for? I live in a tiny terrace house in the middle of Sydney. I've never even seen a thatched roof. No wonder she got it cheap. 

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Saturday, 3 December 2011

Teenagers In The Olden Days

"NO!" said Salmina, "You can't have the hookahs back. The drug squad's outside.  Get some clothes on and try not to look stoned!"

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In Ancient Rome With My Friend John Dudelsackpfeifer Varney


‎"Little bugger stole the last Tim-Tam!!" 

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Roderick Gets A Pleasant Surprise


Despite his initial misgivings, Roderick quite enjoyed his daughter's fairy party.

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Agatha Struggles To Pay Her Taxes


"Do you have any Viagra?" 

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