Welcome Earthlings and Others

Welcome to my blog. The text on this blog is original so please don't borrow it without asking me or adding an acknowledgement as to the source. Please, please, please, click the share buttons on anything as often as you like. Please, please, please leave a comment or become a follower. If you can think of an alternative caption leave it as a comment and, if I like it enough, I'll post it with a backlink to your blog. Enjoy.

Saturday, 18 February 2012

Rogers' Todger

‎"I haven't seen your eagle honey, I swear." said Rojer surreptitiously pushing the offending raptor under the bed with his feet, "Your peacock is just behind you though."
"I want Sybil," yelled Cheryl distraught, "And she's not an 'eagle'. She's a condor.  Oh why do you hate her so?"
"I don't hate
her." replied Rojer, "I just don't like her witnessing our nuptials. It's those beady eyes. They make me feel a tad guilty or something.... like I'm betraying her. I know it sounds silly.... but I think your pet eagle has a crush on me and she's jealous!" 
"HA! Is that why I found an egg up your passage?"retorted Cheryl accusingly. 
"Hardy haha!" said Roger."You know it was hard-boiled! That was part of my anal insertion diet. You digest food much more thoroughly up there though it's a tad slow. Remember the carrot? That took six weeks. Do you want me to look buff or don't you?" 
"Oh don't be a duffer!" chirped Cheryl, " Whip out your todger and just rojer me will you!"
He loved it when she talked dirty but there was one thing he had never disclosed to her though he wasn't one to keep secrets. Shortly after their wedding Cheryl had been called away suddenly and Rojer had been left at home to tend to her boudoir menagerie. He fed the cougar and the armadillo, watered the reptiles and the birds,  and prepared to retire for the night, Cheryl-less, surrounded by glistening eyes and comforting squarks. 
"How would Cheryl get to sleep without all her friends?" he thought, pulling his pajamas from beneath a slumbering ocelot, picking a nob of decaying bird shit from his navel and crawling into bed next to the recumbent salamander.
   Sadly, however, he'd forgotten to feed Sybil her live lizards and the poor raptor was still hungry. Was it her fault, I ask you, that she should intrude on Cheryl's territory (where condors fear to tread), mistaking poor Rojers' engorged tumescence for a tasty morsel, in the wee small hours?

Rojer had awoken with a start midway through this nocturnal emission. He'd yelled "HELP SUCCUBUS!" at the top of his voice, and ran hither and thither  clutching for dear life to his blood soaked nether regions. Finally he spotted  Sybil, her very maw stained red with the blood of his forefathers, her feathers stained with the precious seed which until now had been the sole preserve of his darling Cheryl. 
"HASN'T ANYBODY TOLD YOU NOT TO USE YOUR BEAK!" he shrieked, momentarily unaware that her true purpose had been to satiate a gnawing hunger that he himself had precipitated. When it did dawn on him the horror continued  unabated. The vivid and recurring image of a replete raptor, returning to the nest to regurgitate his precious member for the nourishment of  her squarking chicks was so persistent it haunted him mercilessly and it was getting harder and harder for him to perform with his beloved Cheryl when Sybil was in the room. 
This was the reason he was forced to banish Sybil to exile under the nuptial bed. He wasn't to know then that, with time, the horror would abate and be replaced by delightful raptor erotic fantasies.  Sybil learnt not to use her beak and would serve as his fluffer for the remainder of he and Cheryl's time together. Eventually the mere sight of feathers was sufficient to facilitate his rampant arousal and Cheryl had to banish the feather pillows her grandmother had given her which he continually sullied. Perhaps wisely, he never did tell Cheryl. Why let an accidental blow job spoil things irreparably...?


Friday, 17 February 2012

Spreading the Word. The Sermon On Personal Hygiene

"And verily doth I say - never wash your whites with your colors and ye will be a beacon among men! " said Jesus to his flock with an air of revelation."And use a deodorant...and brush your teeth."


Does God Have A Sense Of Humor?

"Please God," Barbara had prayed after giving birth to yet another daughter, "The  bisexuality you endowed me with has been an endless source of pleasure and variety for me. Please, please, please, may my next child be a bi son?" Clearly God was a sucker for the humble pun.


Thursday, 16 February 2012

Meanwhile, At The Los Alamos Condom Testing Facility.

"Hmmmm. I think we need to use more KY Jelly..." 


Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Creation Fail. First Try For The Big Guy

"Heavenly Father......This is wonderful....really it is..... and its good for a first try...... but..... we need it to be much bigger...."


Never Trust Cupid

"Hey! That's Mummy!" said Timothy with a voice like a soccer ball with a hole in it,"She just went out to walk the dog! And that's Mr Williamson, my headmaster! Why is he wearing that funny outfit and why is mummy naked? He's not a gynecologist.  Cupid! Have you been playing tricks?"
"Maybe....?" answered Cupid Sheepishly.
"And why am I naked? And why am I carrying this silly sink plunger with a fire in it?"
"You'll find out when we get to the Priory..."
Cupid sure was acting strange today. What ever he was up to Timothy was about to learn the hard way....


Monday, 13 February 2012

Violet's Version.

Geraldine quietly lamented taking after her mother. Her 

invisible areolas made her feel self-conscious, especially 

around Juan-Carlos. Not that he'd ever noticed her coy 

coquettish ways!

Sadly, all he ever wanted to do was to impress that impish 

flying midget with the ginormous testicles.

Maybe she'd go gay after all.

When We Exchanged My Sister For A Nice Swedish Girl

 Having a Swedish exchange student come to stay was a 

wonderful experience for the whole family. I discovered 

she could reach orgasm by simply having her nipples 

tweaked which I thought was pretty cool though father 

wasn't that impressed. He did find the apples she 

brought home each day simply irresistible though! 


Angel Infidelity?

When the baby finally arrived an unfamiliar coldness descended on their relationship. George was delighted the wee mite had Eunice's beautiful skin but wings! He knew for sure wings didn't run in his family and was pretty sure they didn't run in Eunice's either. Had she bonked a man with wings and not told him? Was he raising another man's child as his own? He was wracked with gnawing doubts from morning till night and took to obsessively eating apples to ease the pain. Even Eunice's exposed breasts couldn't placate him. No man had suffered so much since Joseph and the "immaculate conception".

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...