Some of my friends are really worried about fish and I think they're right. I mean they are our distant relatives and what did they ever do to hurt us? Just because they're not cute and cuddly it doesn't mean that we shouldn't care.
This year we had terrible floods in Australia and millions of fish were washed into paddocks where they died in agony under the blazing sun and nobody gave a shit! Come on guys! We have to lift our game here! If one person drowns it's national news but if Uncle Marty the Murray Cod and a million of his fishy mates die in a paddock of asphyxiation the media reports what? Sweet FA!
And what's with those fishing dudes you see on cable TV fishing shows. They go out in their fancy boats with their fishing dude mates and their fish finders and shit and catch huge fish and, and, and.... and chuck them back in! How weird is that? Poor bloody fish!
Imagine you're the fish. You're swimming along with your fishy mates, doing your fishy stuff, as you do, happy as a pig in fishy shit, when you think you'll just grab a snack.... and then.... BOOM!!! You're flying through the air into a boat full of filthy fishing dudes who stink and swear a lot, they take a photo of you at the very worst moment of your entire life, weigh you, and then, and then....they chuck you back. I mean really? How rude! Is your weight anybody else's business? And what do you tell your fishy mates? If you tell them they're not going to believe you. Like huge smelly dudes just pulled you out of the sea and humiliated you by weighing you in public without your consent and now you're on "Let's Go Fishing"..... yeah right!
Fishing dudes.... you suck! When those fish meet you they're meeting a land animal for the first time and you should be polite. You guys represent the very pinnacle of 500,000,000 years of evolution and you're giving all of us a bad rap. Who cares what a fish weighs? You're only encouraging eating disorders.
What if it's dangerous? Do we need an ocean full of totally pissed off fish? You see, I think what you're doing by putting the fish back is teaching them about stuff that it's not in our best interests for them to know.
"Like what?' I hear you say,
" WATER YOU DUMB ARSE!"
They're swimming in it and they don't know what it is because they've never been out of it and come back to tell the tale. They don't even know that WE exist, (at least they didn't once), so they don't know shit about human stuff like cities, and jobs we hate, and lying politicians, and the World Wildlife Fund who only cares about Pandas and Elephants and cute fluffy things that probably eat fish, and piss in the sea and the rivers where they and their mates live!
All it needs is one fish to convince his fishy mates that he's been to the "Other side" and we have the beginnings of fishy religion. Fishing dudes. By throwing back you could be resurrecting the fishy Messiah. The Perch of Peace. The only begotten son of godlike, swearing, smelly you guys.
You see, I reckon, what started the evolution of land animals from fishes 500,000,000 years ago was that some smart arse fish must have discovered water and decided it was more fun out of it than in. The miriad of land animals all evolved from the smartest fish in the ocean and not one fish has twigged to it since. That is until some dopy fishing dudes came along filming "Let's Go Fishing"
"Why should we worry about that?"
Well, dumb arse, fish don't just evolve straight into humans. They don't just wake up one day and decide they're going to stroll up the beach to the pub for a beer. They need to evolve through intermediate species with legs and stuff.
What happened last time dumbass? I'll tell you what happened! DINOSAURS HAPPENED and dinosaurs are scary! They take shit from no one! They don't just wiggle while you weigh them. They're real mean and into revenge in a big way.
"Revenge for what?"
Revenge for all their fishy cousins that us dumb arse humans didn't save during the floods, and revenge for their fishy mates who got weighed and publicly humiliated by dirty, smelly fishing dudes for dumb arse people like me to watch on "Let's Go Fishing".
Please everyone. Be nice to fish, and if you go swimming, don't piss in the sea or you might have to answer to velociraptor.