Trigger Discovers the Unpalatable Truth !

Trigger was shocked! He had offspring everywhere! He'd always thought Dave was giving him the "horsey happy ending" because he loved him! 

A Horse and his Hole

Trigger loved his new hole. 

Meanwhile Down on the Farm

After eating the lovely mushrooms trigger believed he was a squirrel and went looking for nuts. 

Suspicions CONFIRMED!

Gerald always suspected his wife had a lover, and now, finally, the scoundrel had left a clue! 

Greg's Advice to Zookeepers

Feeding seals during the mating season is fraught with difficulties. If approached by an amorous male keep your arse hole to the wall at all times. 

Rare and Hitherto Unknown Shakespeare Quotes

 
        "What fart through yonder window breaks?" 

Meanwhile.... at the Monastery

‎"No, no, no" Cried the Bishop, "I told you to PLUCK the chickens!" 

From my friend Simon Whittaker

Greg's Tips for Outdoor Sex

Check the pots.
 

In a Man's Hole

" I know. It's cool, right? I was thinking about getting it stitched closed, but I decided on a zipper instead. That way, I can store loose change and stuff in there ... " 
from my friend Aluminum Foil Hat

The Queen Secretly Visits the Front Line

"Give it here you Moron!" yelled Her Majesty, "If you want something done right you still have to do it yourself!" 
photo thanks Lucas de Jong

A Post in Which I Finally Remember Where I Left My Bike

Meanwhile...in Suburbia.

Our neighbor's meth lab had a terrible effect on our garden ornaments.

Uses For Your Recalcitrant Teenager

Recalcitrant teenagers make excellent shark bait

Greg's Compendium of Rare and Unusual Shakespeare Quotes

"Begone! Get thee to an apple house!" - William Shakespeare 

Greg's Tips on raising Teenagers Part 3

Randy young lads need to learn that juggling multiple girlfriends  often leads to trouble.

Greg's Tips on Raising Teenagers Cont.

Sometimes a parent's firm guiding hand may be seen as an unwelcome intrusion. 

Greg's Advice on Raising Teenagers

Never give your teenager the car-keys . 

Meanwhile, In The Woods

"Do you mind?"said the bear indignantly, "Us wildlife have to go too you know."

Child Rearing Tips From the Nineteen Fifties.

"I brought the kids some Valium." 

Batman Learns the Horrible Truth

"Holy poo punchers Darth! So how long did you say Robin and Skywalker have been seeing each other?!" 
from an idea from my friend Jim Parks

Penguin Flim Flam

‎"Welcome to Hawaii. The People of Hawaii would like to share their islands with you! The fresh, floral air energises you. The warm, tranquil waters refresh you. The breathtaking, natural beauty renews you. Look around. There’s no place on earth like Hawaii. Whether you're a new visitor or returning, our six unique islands offer distinct experiences that will entice any traveller. We warmly invite you to explore our islands and discover your ideal travel experience." Said Pip, desperately trying to convince the mob they hadn't been ripped off.

Brilliance From My Friend Aluminum Foil Hat

 ‎"Am I the catch of the day?" How droll your little pick-up lines are, madam ..."

http://aluminumfoilhatsociety.com/

Gerald's Birthday Present Fail

"What am I supposed to do with this? Even with all your Morman mates I'll never get it through the front door!"

Not to be Missed! The United Arab Emirates' New Production of HMAS Pinafore

"Oh we sail the deep blue sea,
and our saucy ship's a beauty..."

Womens Minds

 "And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how women's minds work!"

An Ugly Little Love Child

That morning, when little Justin was on the swing, Judy realized he didn't quite look like the other girl's babies. Oh if only she'd kept the lights on when she fell pregnant that night after the school prom!
Inspiration from my kiwi mate Phil Mclean

Meanwhile... at the Nudist Colony

Cecelia Gets 'Hit On' in the Workplace

" I usually play first violin but one of the viola's is

allergic to my feathers."Carlo Saraceni, St. Cecilia and the Angel, c. 1610 

Internet Dating

"I know I look nothing like my profile shot but I'm sure that if I'd told you that I'm a cat that looks like a duck we would never have met"

Bits They left Out Of The Bible. The Gospel Of Gerald Volume 3

Later that day word came through that Zacchaeus had found the frisbee so Jesus rushed back to where the party had been the previous day.
"It's too high up."said Zacchaeus, a tremor in his voice clearly audible as he spoke."I really can't reach it."
"Bummer."replied Jesus, "Peter is so upset with me I really need to get it back for him."
"Can't you just levitate? You are the son of God."
"Dunno!"Said Jesus."I can do all kinds of cool shit so why not?"

"Help!" Cried  Jesus. "I'm scared of heights!"
"Stay up there a minute." replied Zacchaeus, "I know just what to do!"

Bits They Left Out Of The Bible. The Gospel Of Gerald Volume 2

Jesus was such such a pain to take fishing but after losing the frisbee he promised Peter that if he would take him, he'd help him find some fish.
"Throw your net over this side" Jesus said and sure enough Peter's net was full.
"Fat lot of good this is going to do me!" thought Peter belligerently, "Yesterday he fed 5,000 people with five fish. If this dude keeps making fish out of thin air the price of fish will plummet and these will be worth nothing. I bet he'll open his own fish and chip shop and put us out of business!"
Jesus was on his feet by this time and was bragging about the size of the fish he'd caught last time which Peter hated. 
"It was this big!" said Jesus.
"OH yeah," thought Peter. They had a net full of fish and Jesus wasn't even helping and anyway, Peter was sick of the sight of his weird glowing head.
"Take a walk big guy." He yelled in attempt to shut him up. Strangely, Jesus did, giving an 'up yours' two fingered salute as he left."Follow me and ye will be fishers of men."
"Who want's to eat men?" thought Peter defiantly."If I follow you I'll need a life guard and CPR!"

Cupid Denied

"No I'm not going to 'pull your finger!'" yelled Mary in exasperation, "Last time you did a jobbie on me!" 

Cupid Goes Through A Hoon Phase

During his teenage years, Cupid took to annoying people by zapping past way too close on a nifty racing cloud. Sometimes he would bomb victims with a fresh "number two" so it was little wonder that people applauded when the Romans introduced conscription. The squadrons of the Imperial Cherub Bomber Command were to become the very scourge of barbarians throughout the known World.

Unsafe Sex In The Olden Days

"You didn't wear a condom." 

Happy Families In The Olden Days

Unfortunately, Gerald had taught the kids to help out when Dorothy had PMS.  

Bits They Left Out Of The Bible- Jesus Tries To Invent The Birthday Cake

And suddenly, with a mighty roar, the heavens were rent asunder and the good Saint John did but tremble beneath the firmament. The Lord Jesus appeared resplendent, to shew unto his servant things which must shortly come to pass.
And verily doth he say,"Blessed be he that eateth of this birthday cake, (please write this down. This is really cool. Just because I'm dead it doesn't mean I can't say cool stuff.) For the time is at hand when all men shall have their cake and eat it too. For verily doth I say, 'may all men get a cake with candles to celebrate the day of their birth from this day forth!'"
Sadly, John was struck agast and wrote some other rubbish, leaving mankind to suffer the nonsense of his scribbling for two thousand years...

Bits They Left Out Of The Bible. The Gospel Of Gerald Volume 1

We had a great party thanks to our mate Jesus. We only had seven little loaves and a few fishes but he managed to feed all 5,000 of us. His best trick though, was when he turned water into wine and we all got so totally plastered that nobody cared when he lost the frisbee. At least we thought so.

Jesus went to look again when Peter said, "He fed 5,000 with six fishes and a few loaves. Why couldn't he have made 5,000 frisbees before loosing our only one?'
"I agree!" said Judas with a sly grin. "He has already betrayed us!"
To be continued....

A Reason For Everything

"How does he do it?" exclaimed Herod Antipas
"Witchcraft!" added  Pontius Pilate,
"The dark arts!" Added  Caiaphas.
"Relax guys!" Replied Jesus quite willing to convert the entire  world, "It's no secret. I don't wash my whites with my colors!"
"Ah ha! Magic then, and discriminatory magic at that!" yelled Herod triumphant, "It's crucifixion  for you then my lad!"
And that, boys and girls, is why the colored people had to sit at the back of the bus.

More Everyday Sayings That Originated In The Bible

"It's Murphy's law," said Jesus to the blind man as he felt something crunch under foot, "You drop a contact lens and some sod always steps on it. Looks like it's going to be a long time no see for you my man!" 

Restaurant Fail In The Olden Days

"I'm sorry," said Maria, "I didn't order this. I ordered the Boeuf Bourguignon, slow cooked in red wine and broth, and served with sauteed mushrooms and perl onions."

Inspiration From My Friend Aluminum Foil Hat

"What's wrong?" said Gwendolyn in surprise.
"It's this armor." squealed Gawain like a rat under a truck tyre."It's so tight  I can't move! It locks up and my arms stick out like this when I get an erection."
"So much for the Atkins diet" replied Gwendolyn with a touch of sarcasm.
 An idea from my friend Aluminum Foil Hat http://aluminumfoilhatsociety.com/

A Limerick From Susan Tarlitz

There once was a knight known as Rusty,

He squeaked when he moved and was musty.

"Oh Lord, thou doth stink"..

Screamed the Lady in pink,

And she fled on the horse she named Dusty. 

Dear God by my friend Violet

Dear God,
Bless Leo and Tabby and Tom and BooBoo and Geraldine. Keep them healthy and purring ... but please please help them get housebroken reallly soon. It smells like a zoo over here!
And may I pleeeeeeaaasssseeee get a pony for my birthday? 


by my friend Violet http://revolveevolve.blogspot.com.au/

painting by Rubens

Gawain Loses His Horse

F**k off fancypants!"

Abandoned By A Woman Scorned

‎"It rained and it's rusted together" said Gawain a little flustered. "I can't move.Take my horse and go get some WD 40 and my angle grinder."
"Enough of  your excuses!" replied Gwendoline,"Do you really think I don't know why your 'Cedric' won't stand to attention? I've seen you with that pansy squire of yours. Let him save you. What kind of man wears armor to a seduction anyway. Thanks for the horse." 

Painting by Sir Frank Dicksee http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_Dicksee

Problem Solved

St George made swift work of his new mother-in-law.
Painting by Paolo Ucello