Welcome Earthlings and Others

Welcome to my blog. The text on this blog is original so please don't borrow it without asking me or adding an acknowledgement as to the source. Please, please, please, click the share buttons on anything as often as you like. Please, please, please leave a comment or become a follower. If you can think of an alternative caption leave it as a comment and, if I like it enough, I'll post it with a backlink to your blog. Enjoy.


Saturday, 19 November 2011

A Very Mean Trick


"ETHYL!! I SAID NO TEETH"

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Bedroom Sports


In trying to get the gerbil out, the girls ruined a perfectly good mattress. 

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You Know You're Poor When...


you have to masturbate to feed the chicken. 

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More Things We Do Differently In Australia


I've heard that the American government is very concerned about illegal Aliens despite the fact that  they do much of the menial work there and if they all went home tomorrow everything would grind to a halt. In Australia, however, it's only the ones that come in leaky boats that we give a hard time. The ones that come by air we find quite lovely especially the interstellar arrivals. They tell us that despite their considerable efforts with the American Human Anal Microbe Population Program , which they do entirely for free, the US Government still denies their existence which they find rather rude.
  One of the problems we have in Australia is that people keep getting eaten by sharks, which is very upsetting for everyone.  Our alien friends have been very considerate in organizing free shark patrols of our beaches! In the photo above they have contained a great white with tractor beams while the swimmers move to safety.

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OUCH!!!


Circumcision chicken 

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Thursday, 17 November 2011

Australian Traditions


In Australia we have a tradition called "Casual friday." It's really cool.  Everyone is allowed to come to work in their casual clothes.

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Greg's Relationship Tips


PMS can put a strain on even the most stable of relationships. Here, Alfred survives his lovely wife, Alice's latest whirlwind episode. Not bitter but twisted none the less. 

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Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Handy Tips For Americans Coming To Australia


If you're thinking of coming to Australia it's important to know that different words mean different things here. For instance, chuck means vomit, so Chuck, when you come over, remember your name is Charley. Likewise to root means to have sex, while thongs (pictured) are the national footwear even though thong, singular, is still a tiny piece of lingerie worn by women and gay men with nice bums (buns). The important thing to remember is that thongs float and if you go to the beach in Australia you will notice piles of them in the flotsam and jetsam washed in by the tide. If you are coming by boat you will  know you are getting close to land by the huge number of floating thongs. On the beach you will notice the thongs in the piles are all of the same foot so beaches are characterized by the locals as either right thong or left thong. This is because thongs are curved so when a pair falls in the ocean they float off in opposite directions and end up on different beaches. Australians know all this so they never have to buy a pair. If they're new in town they simply go to the local pub (bar) and ask directions. So Americans, when you go in the pub and meet an Aussie it's normal to say," Gidday mate, I just broke me left thong. Can you tell me where the nearest left thong beach is please?"





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More Things We Do Differently In Australia


I thought I'd write some stuff about Australia for my American readers who may not realize things are very different here. We used to have the empirical system like you guys but we got sick of it and changed to metric. Every thing's now divisible by ten. We had to throw away our old rulers and bathroom scales and buy new ones in meters and kilograms. The worst thing was changing to metric time as everyone had to throw away their watches and clocks some of which were very expensive. Now we have a ten hour day, and a ten day week, and ten months in the year, and do you know it takes exactly one metric minute to raise the temperature of one litre of metric water by one degree celsius if you apply 100 degrees celsius to it at sea level. I mean, how cool is that?
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Things We Do Differently In Australia


In Australia we have dogs trained to drive drunk people home. Dogs are crap drivers but they are generally better than drunk people. If they get caught speeding they have to do time in the pound. 
What's really cool is when you're drunk all you have to do is whistle and the dog drives up and takes you home. How cool is that?


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Wedding Day Robert Borthwick's Effort


"Darling. Put that chauffeur down. You're getting married today." 

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Monday, 14 November 2011

Flip's Effort


Sally gasped in horror. There was no light at the end of THIS tunnel.  http://hillblocksview.blogspot.com/ 

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Simon Whittaker's Effort


 They say the biggest danger in a car is "the nut behind the wheel", in this case it happened to be 2 nuts AND an arsehole.

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Genevieve Frederiksen's Effort


 It was definitely a very memorable first date... 

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It Wouldn't Have Happened In My Day


What happened when they let girls join the boy scouts! 

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Brilliance from Kate Bright


"Hey mate, can I bum a durry?"

Thanks Kate Bright ("bum a durry" = have a cigarette- Australian slang) 

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Sunday, 13 November 2011

Mike Davis's Version


Hey, listen...I'm really busy so if you two are passing the barber shop could you take this in for a trim ? 

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More Saucy Jane Austen Out Takes.


For a "man of the cloth" Mr Elton's mind was a total sewer! Often, on a sunday during the torturous endurance test of the Archbishop's sermons, he would picture himself, naked and clutching desperately to the naked and writhing body of none other than the heroine of our tale, the, ever wondrous and forever pure, Miss Emma Woodhouse, her naked body effectively protecting him from, the desperate cries of some dozen naked virgins, all screaming to be entered by the vicar's engorged tumescence. The vision was a disturbing at best, doublingly so as God must be watching and would doubtless make Elton pay on the day of judgement when all must come clean. To carelessly come even slightly during the archbishop's diatribe on the sermon on the mount  was in no way appropriate and was to be resisted at any cost! Oh the perils of  house keeping a pure mind! The more he struggled to keep it clean the more the images imposed themselves.

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Nude Moan-a-thon


"Just ignore them Delores. These nude charity events go just a little too far sometimes." 

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