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Sunday, 28 August 2011

Fabrizio Bullshitzio by Greg Scott

 03 June 2011 at 15:28

Was bored today so I wrote this and emailed it to the Herald for Heckler. Read it and let me know what you think. You might get a giggle or two... 

What’s with women and the handbag thing? Don’t they know that handbags suck?
I’m walking down George Street the other day and I pass this massive glass shop front and on display is only one thing, on a pedestal, with spotlights and a poncy Italian name. Yes…. A handbag, and it cost a gaxillion dollars.
Ladies, it’s not real! Fabio didn’t make it, Chang did and it cost five bucks!
 Constantly us blokes find ourselves competing with some mega corporation’s marketing BS. Imagine ladies, you get home from work and hubby’s in a tizz. “What’s wrong?’ You say. “It’s Johno!!”. “Is he OK?” “ He’s got a new toolbox! It’s made out of endangered Siberian Ocelot fur with 18 carat gold buckles and diamond studs. It’s made by Fabrizo Bullshitzio…. and…and… It has a special pouch for his rectal thermometer …I want one!”
I mean.. really Ladies. .IT”S JUST A BAG! A bag with all your girl junk in it. And NO… YOU DON”T NEED FIFTY OF THEM. Fifty handbags in fifty colors to go with fifty pairs of shoes  and fifty sets of girl junk. Fabrizo Bullshitzio is not God.
 So why am I so worried? Come to my house and you’ll see. We have more handbags than cats and they all have to be fed. When one fills up more move in and when the mobile phone rings girl junk goes everywhere. At  night I can’t sleep for worrying someone will break in , trip over, and sue us.

What’s more Fabrizo’s forming a wedge. When we go to the movies Fabio sits on the armrest between us to prevent canoodling and I’ve   even heard of couples where he sits in the bed, right in the way, with the cat.
 Blokes what can we do? I’ll tell you.  When she comes home tonight grab Fabrizo by the throat and challenge her to tell you what’s inside. I bet she doesn’t know. Then tip out all the junk in all the handbags and add up the cost of the lot. You’ll soon see why you can’t pay off the house or have that holiday in the Greek islands. It’s Fabrizo and he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
True equality of the sexes means pockets, pockets for everyone. Jesus had them and he could walk on water. Einstein had them and he was really smart. Gandhi had them and he was skinny. Every time you wash your pants the pockets get emptied and everything gets sorted. Nobody trips over. Everybody can canoodle. Cats don’t get jealous and pockets don’t get snatched.  We all go on holidays and we all live happily ever after.
Handbags are evil, nearly as bad as … shoulder bags.


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