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Sunday, 28 August 2011

A Man Needs To Splash His Shoes

07 June 2011 
    What’s with town planners and the pissing thing? Don’t they need to go too? Come on guys, it’s 2011. Bodily functions are ok. People aren’t going to use your city if they can’t take a leak.
Instead of toilets everywhere they’ve spent a gaxillion dollars on four or five poncy automatic loos in Hyde Park. They’ve over compensated for the guilt they feel from repressive childhoods and built toots so extraordinary they have become tourist attractions. They talk to you, and wash themselves after every use. it’s not a man’s piss at all- a man needs to splash his shoes.
That’s if you can get in of course. The damn thing costs 50c and has a gaxillion moving parts so is nearly always broken down. If it’s working there’s a line of tourists who don’t need to pee at all but go in for the experience.
      And what about the carbon foot print of these energy-guzzling automatons. You take a piss and there’s a drought in Africa and millions of people die. I was so incensed that I made a sign -“Save 50c and employ a cleaner. PISS ON THE DOOR!”
      No, we don’t need a few temples to urination that get their own reality TV show, we need a toot on every corner with a big sign saying PISS HERE. Real men just need a tree.
      It’s not just town planners, how about car designers? How many of us get to work sitting in a puddle? How hard can it be? Forget sub woofers and blue tooth brakes, we need a porta potty so we can cruise the streets in style - pants down, number one and number two, no problem.
I’m not joking about this, it’s a serious problem. I was once busting so bad I rang 000 - “Fire, police, ambulance?” “I need to pee”, “This line is for emergencies!” “It is an emergency! A  LITTLE BIT HAS ALREADY SQUEEZED OUT!"
    We need an Australia wide pee line.
Pee line,“Pee line here. Nearest cross street?”
Me, “XYZ” ,
“ Oh, here we are. There’s a tin behind the post on your right. Grab it and go into the bush on your left. Thank you for calling pee line”.
We need a caring, human voice, not an iphone app.
What do we do? Do we march on Parliament house with our willies out and pee on the verandah? We need “peeing rights NOW! “… “123, WE NEED TO PEE! 456, TO PEE FOR NIX!” Do you need to pee? Do I need to pee? Do we march? Of course we do!
What am I going to do? I’m going to see a urologist about my personal plumbing next Monday. Perhaps he can tie a knot in it.

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