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Sunday, 28 August 2011

A letter to the people of Brazil from Greg Scott and the people of Australia

                                                                                                                                Greg Scott

Dear People of Brazil,

   Every time I meet a Brazilian girl I wonder, "Does she have a Brazilian?" I mean, do they all have them? I'm not likely to ever find out but it is interesting. Australia has the Opera House and Ayers Rock but Brazil has a pubic hair style. I'd like to ask the next Brazilian girl I meet but I'm way too polite. Personal hygiene is really none of my business.
   I do think it's really sad, though, when well meaning Australian women swap their map of Tassie for the symbol of another country and pay good money to do it. You Brazilians have infiltrated the very undies of our loved ones, and your economy booms as a result. You're living it up while the poor old Tasmanians go down the gurgler and their whole state turns into an old people's home. Their devils are getting horrible facial tumors so even Bugs Bunny wouldn't have them in his cartoons any more. I sure hope you're satisfied Brazilians!
     Brazilians, sometimes you suck! How would you like it if your loveliest women all started tattooing the Sydney Opera House or Ayers Rock on their buttocks? When I go down I don't want to think of Brazil! I like Tasmania. "Going down to Tassie" is an Australian tradition! Going down to a Brazilian would be like kissing a prickly old man's chin. Yuk! Do they get a five o'clock shadow down there? Doesn't it itch? It's the Hitler mustache of the nether regions!
Seriously, though, I know you don't have a huge rock but you could build an Opera House. You don't have to cut down the Amazon rainforest and pluck the pubic  hair of the world's most beautiful women just to be famous.
   In Australia we like to build big things. We have a big pineapple, a big banana, a big ram, a big cow, a big prawn, a big trout, a big oyster and a big rock. Big things are cool! Most of the big things are hollow and , if it's a big thing with eyes, you can go inside and look out the empty sockets, and see the world just as the particular big thing would see it if it were actually real. When I went in the big ram I imagined being a real big ram and fucking a big sheep and then running amok down George Street during peak hour, squashing people and cars and even whole buses. The Australian Air Force threw everything they had at me but they couldn't beat me because they only had ordinary planes so I got back to Goulburn unharmed and pretended to be a fake big thing again. It was really cool!
    You could build your own big things! How about a big Brazilian? It could have a big clitoris, big enough for all the men to find it, and when they find it they could go inside while a massive finger comes down from nowhere and rubs it so much they all get seasick and start to vomit and go dizzy and stuff.
  Or how about a big rainforest? Some people could go up the big trees into the eyes of the big monkeys, or big toucans or big jaguars or big leeches or big mosquitoes, while others go into the big bulldozers and into the eyes of the big workman and drive over the big trees and big animals and squash them all bigtime, while the big leeches and big mosquitoes come down and suck all the big blood out of the big workman and give him big malaria. Your big things could be much better even than ours!
  Now that I can imagine you guys with big things like us, I don't feel so angry about how you've conned our women into promoting your country by waxing their pubes. Most ordinary Australians leave Tassie off the map anyway and, though they may talk about it, few Aussie men actually go down there. Nobody really cares about Tasmanians. Your average Tasmanian couldn't pull a greasy stick out of a dead dog's arse!
    We've probably got more in common with you guys. For instance- we both live in the best country in the world. Perhaps we could send our best big thing builders over to help train your big thing builders by way of cultural exchange. The people of Brazil are, no doubt, quite lovely and probably started the whole pube promotion thingy completely by accident. It would be easy enough to do. Prince Albert, the Royal Consort of Queen Victoria, was born with a strange hole across the end of his willy and gay men are having their willies pierced to this day. I'm sure, if he knew that would happen he would have kept quiet about it. It's nice to be famous for something, but having a strange hole in your willy doesn't necessarily make you a nice man!
  Anyway, my friends, the people of Brazil, I'm sorry I got so angry. Now we're friends I'm sure you've forgiven my moment of spontaneous abuse. You're great. You still don't have a big rock though.
Best of luck,
Your friends,
Greg Scott and the People of Australia

PS. If you're going to build a big Brazilian you might as well build the whole big bum. Do Brazilian women have nice arses? We could put a big tattoo of the Sydney Opera House on it  to symbolize the new big collaboration between our two big countries (Is Brazil big too?)
PPS. We didn't build the big rock. That was just there and it's only cool because there's nothing else there. The explorers were actually looking for an inland sea with great surfing beaches and stuff but they found a rock instead. At least they found something, I guess, and it did start our national obsession with big things.




  1. omg, this is so grotesque, it's almost funny. It certainly can put you off sex for a few days...

  2. Thank you for your comment. "Almost funny" is quite good I think as I'm a total beginner when it comes to writing stuff and yours was my first ever comment. You're not from Tasmania I hope? If so, I apologize for my rudeness but I was really trying to suck up to the Brazilians so they'd build some big things. I actually used to live in Tasmania and think it's a lovely place though it's very sad about the devils and stuff. "Grotesque" though is,I think, a little harsh. The tumors on the devils are "grotesque" and my letter is way less nasty than that. Dose anyone else think this letter is "grotesque"? Perhaps @typicus has simply led a very sheltered life?

  3. The first paragraph made me spray my coffee...hilarious, the rest was blurry, I was laughing so hard :)

  4. Thanks heaps. I just thought I was over blogging but you've inspired me to keep going.


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