Grant Hayes Uncommon History

Vernon Leadbeater's patented ABDOMINA Sole Stitcher (ASS). Leadbeater's ingenuity turned gastro-intestinal infection to good use, harnessing gut spasms to power a loom that could stitch as many as 40 boot soles per hour. The key component of the device was an antimony disc charged with heptic orthophranes. The military applications of the ABDOMINA were clearly evident, but a lucrative contract with the US Army was compromised when the Bolivian plantation whence Leadbeater sourced his orthophranes was destroyed in the Guano War (1879-83). Leadbeater was unable to obtain orthophranes of the required purity from elsewhere, and his army contract foundered amid a storm of recrimination. Leadbeater died a year later, a broken man in Hoboken NJ. 

(by the one and only Grant Hayes)

Way Ahead of Their Time The Mowhawks Create the USB

"Is this the USA?" said the Pilgrim fathers, "We're here to found a colony."
"The USA?" replied Squanto "Isn't that next to the USB?"

Grant Hayes On Ancient China

    Tathagata Buddha, the Farter Buddha, said: "With our farts we make the world!" Pictured is an excerpt from the classic Wi-Pu-Bang (Dung Dynasty). Here we see Bum Wind masters demonstrating Rat-Fart, Dead-Tree-Fart, and the very rarely attained Old-Man-Fart.

It is said of the Bum Wind master Pu-Wei that with only five grains of rice for fuel, he could fart out a seven-tiered iron pagoda. In the time it took for the shrine-bell to toll once and fade to silence, Master Pu-Wei would then emit the shapeless Dragon-Fart, which would sweep away the pagoda in an instant, leaving only five grains of rice. In this way, Pu-Wei showed that all things are a passing wind...

Excellent caption from Grant Hayes

Meanwhile, At The Vatican

Maria had never been so totally embarrassed. An angry young woman was shooing her away and calling her a "grotesque nude midget," and another woman  was appealing to the almighty to strike her down dead! Moreover,  when Antonio had dared her to go streaking with him at the Pope's benediction she wasn't expecting he would jump over a wall! This really wasn't fun at all!
(Detail from Raphael's fresco 'fire in the Borgo')

Rogers' Todger

‎"I haven't seen your eagle honey, I swear." said Rojer surreptitiously pushing the offending raptor under the bed with his feet, "Your peacock is just behind you though."
"I want Sybil," yelled Cheryl distraught, "And she's not an 'eagle'. She's a condor.  Oh why do you hate her so?"
"I don't hate her." replied Rojer, "I just don't like her witnessing our nuptials. It's those beady eyes. They make me feel a tad guilty or something.... like I'm betraying her. I know it sounds silly.... but I think your pet eagle has a crush on me and she's jealous!" 
"HA! Is that why I found an egg up your passage?"retorted Cheryl accusingly. 
"Hardy haha!" said Roger."You know it was hard-boiled! That was part of my anal insertion diet. You digest food much more thoroughly up there though it's a tad slow. Remember the carrot? That took six weeks. Do you want me to look buff or don't you?" 
"Oh don't be a duffer!" chirped Cheryl, " Whip out your todger and just rojer me will you!"
He loved it when she talked dirty but there was one thing he had never disclosed to her though he wasn't one to keep secrets. Shortly after their wedding Cheryl had been called away suddenly and Rojer had been left at home to tend to her boudoir menagerie. He fed the cougar and the armadillo, watered the reptiles and the birds,  and prepared to retire for the night, Cheryl-less, surrounded by glistening eyes and comforting squarks. 
"How would Cheryl get to sleep without all her friends?" he thought, pulling his pajamas from beneath a slumbering ocelot, picking a nob of decaying bird shit from his navel and crawling into bed next to the recumbent salamander.
   Sadly, however, he'd forgotten to feed Sybil her live lizards and the poor raptor was still hungry. Was it her fault, I ask you, that she should intrude on Cheryl's territory (where condors fear to tread), mistaking poor Rojers' engorged tumescence for a tasty morsel, in the wee small hours?
Rojer had awoken with a start midway through this nocturnal emission. He'd yelled "HELP SUCCUBUS!" at the top of his voice, and ran hither and thither  clutching for dear life to his blood soaked nether regions. Finally he spotted  Sybil, her very maw stained red with the blood of his forefathers, her feathers stained with the precious seed which until now had been the sole preserve of his darling Cheryl. 
"HASN'T ANYBODY TOLD YOU NOT TO USE YOUR BEAK!" he shrieked, momentarily unaware that her true purpose had been to satiate a gnawing hunger that he himself had precipitated. When it did dawn on him the horror continued  unabated. The vivid and recurring image of a replete raptor, returning to the nest to regurgitate his precious member for the nourishment of  her squarking chicks was so persistent it haunted him mercilessly and it was getting harder and harder for him to perform with his beloved Cheryl when Sybil was in the room. 
This was the reason he was forced to banish Sybil to exile under the nuptial bed. He wasn't to know then that, with time, the horror would abate and be replaced by delightful raptor erotic fantasies.  Sybil learnt not to use her beak and would serve as his fluffer for the remainder of he and Cheryl's time together. Eventually the mere sight of feathers was sufficient to facilitate his rampant arousal and Cheryl had to banish the feather pillows her grandmother had given her which he continually sullied. Perhaps wisely, he never did tell Cheryl. Why let an accidental blow job spoil things irreparably...?

Spreading the Word. The Sermon On Personal Hygiene

"And verily doth I say - never wash your whites with your colors and ye will be a beacon among men! " said Jesus to his flock with an air of revelation."And use a deodorant...and brush your teeth."

Does God Have A Sense Of Humor?

"Please God," Barbara had prayed after giving birth to yet another daughter, "The  bisexuality you endowed me with has been an endless source of pleasure and variety for me. Please, please, please, may my next child be a bi son?" Clearly God was a sucker for the humble pun.