I was sitting on the loo this morning, taking care of my morning movements, when I had the weirdest of thoughts. What a shame, I thought, that turds don't have legs! I mean, having a movement is the nearest thing a bloke can do to giving birth and we all know that turds have personalities so why not legs, and heads, and eyes, and stuff? You may not like this idea but it was just a thought I had and I thought I would share it with you here.
 Women can have real babies so I'm guessing they might get upset at the idea of men having turd babies. They probably think it's crude but that's alright for them with their screaming, little bundles of real baby. How would they like it if they couldn't have babies like us? They might end up treasuring their turd babies the way we do.
   Then I wondered how many other people were sitting there at that exact same moment making turd babies like me. Maybe we were all tuned in to a giant celestial turd orchestra pooping out turd notes at just the right time, without even knowing it. I was pumping out semibreves from my deep bass bowels while the lady down the street was popping tiny staccato high pitched, bullets. God was conducting and all his mates, the angel dudes, were laughing their heads off as they took in the music of the rears.
   I've noticed that most people don't think too deeply about the world around them. For instance, how many people realize when they sit on the toilet that there's a pipe connecting their arsehole to every other arsehole in the entire city! They're about to give birth to a turd baby that's about to take it's first tiny turd steps, into an intricate and surprisingly complex, subterranean turd world beneath our feet and within the very walls of the structures in which we live. It's like a giant hand has reached past our collective scrotums and girl's bits, up our collective arseholes, and pulled our collective colons inside out to form  an intricate world of turd pipes called the sewer that we know virtually nothing about. Our turd babies must think they're in turd heaven! It must be more fun than 'Wet and Wild'! Turd babies flying through pipes with their turd mates within the walls and beneath the pavements where their ignorant and uncaring turd parents live their dull and boring lives.

   So where do the turd babies all go? They go to the seaside. When they get there though they're no longer individual turd babies. They're all mushed up into a huge turd porridge. Nobody cares about who’s good and who’s bad. Who got such and such grade and whose pretty and whose ugly. It's all in together. Turds at sea, having a laugh. It's what the mystics call "oneness" and it's happening all the time but we don't notice because we're way too smart to have a good time like our very own turd babies. We could learn a thing or two from those turds yet we flush them away and don't give them a second thought.

    Next time you go for your morning movements don't just think you're taking a crap. You're plugging yourself in! The internet of the arsehole. You plug yourself in to all the other arseholes and a wonderful world of joyful turd babies where nobody cares who you are or what you do or that you smell like shit. At the head end we may all look different but that's just an illusion. At the arsehole end we are all the same. If you think your smart you are not. You're just a pipe for producing turd babies for the wonderful turd world, a pipe that produces a single note in God’s giant orchestra so the angel dudes can have a good laugh!